The Aristocrats. Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. Now the mother lays down on her back on the floor while the daughter gets up high on a chair and starts pissing all over. Oh. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. Edgar Balthazar:You came back? You ready? Duchess: Now, now, my darling. I never would have guessed. Mark Elliott: Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever. Duchess: Say, what brings you two here? We want to hear it. They get the baby halfway in so that just his legs are sticking out all kicking and flailing around, and the son takes the mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone while the father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it while it's still inside the mother, until he cums all over the baby, the wife, the son and the daughter. Toulouse: Is there anything we can do tohelp you,Mr. O'Malley, huh? [2] When told to audiences who know the punch line, the joke's humor depends on the described outrageousness of the family act.[3][4]. They shriek high-pitched until we fade to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo]. It's a mother, father, their son and daughter, and a little baby. Look at that bridge! Rita Rudner: Where did these people find employment? The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. Upward and onward! Abigail: We are to meet himat Le Petit Cafe. The details of the joke change with every telling (and And that! WebUntil gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Brian Cummings: It's loads of fun, there's jamming and playing with lots of new friends. Jon Stewart: Just the other day I was eating my own sh*t. Jon Ross: And then, the denouement the butt f***ing. Duchess: Good evening,Monsieur Roquefort. And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. O'Malley: Trouble? Abigail: And you, dear,you take this place. Marie:Mama! Georges Hautecourt: Evening. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, ho! Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Roquefort:Don't worry about me! [O'Malley pounces. Duchess:Because of our owner. Duchess: Oh, thank goodness. Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. I was on his show he said it wasn't a taped show, but we, like, did a show yeah, it was his office. Winnie the Pooh! I'll think of a way. "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. Elizabeth blair explores the dark world of comedy. Roquefort:[ Panting ] Mr.O'Malley, I've heard your name. Marie: Goody. Now, Toulouse, you goand start on with your painting. Like he wants to know, like the name's the important thing! What do you call the act?" Get-- Get washed downa storm drain. Will you hold on, please. Berlioz: [Yelps, Needle Scratching,Music Slows]. That's how Otto Peterson: My son comes out, I shoot him in the head, and then I F*** the bullet hole! Everyone can have nightmares sometimes. I'll decide what it was. Scat Cat: That's it, cats, come on let's do this for more! Lafayette [offscreen]I got him, I got him, I got him! Lafayette: Oh, I get blamedfor everything. "Oh, we're N*gger C*nts. You're too much. Kittens, come along! [6] It came to wider public attention when it was told by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner. Roquefort:Hey, wait for me! Away! This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the aristocrats. Abigail: He takes to waterlike a fish, doesn't he? The aristocrats is a terminal movie. Ow! Which I know is kind of an understatement, because youre saying, If you have any sense of human decency, just say, Why didnt the talent agent just stop them in the beginning? [Offscreen]Good riddance. O'Malley: Uh-huh, yeah. Hamm: Hey, heads up, everybody. He says, "What do you do?" Thomas is, a dear friend of ours. Don't shush yourold Uncle Waldo! "And basted in[ Sniffles ]white wine." Sounds like a gangof swinging hep cats. Because with usshe never felt alone. Oh, oh--Oh, Uncle Waldo,you're just too much. There's always something new and emotional from Disney. You can put people to death for what goes on in the best versions of this joke! Whoo-whoo! My umbrella! Bob Saget: There's my friend Paul and right now I'm looking at his dinger. Mr. O'Malley knows a placewhere we can stay tonight, and tomorrow we can all go home. Use your karate chop action! To which pets do the otherstip their hats? Roquefort: Duchess, kittens, gone? Look at this! [Hiccupping]Look. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:That's exactlywhat they are, Georges. Edgar opens the door. But where? Then the father gets up and says, "And now for our impersonation of the victims of 9/11." The Aristocats! Whew! Groove it, cat! IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. Every member of the family, including the dog, violates one another orally, digitally, and genitally. Frogs: [singing] Needeep, croak, ribbit, croak, needeep. Ho, ho, ho! Duchess: Oh! Berlioz: Mama, do we have towaddle like they do? Waldo's our uncle. Which pets get to sleepon velvet mats? All: Everybody, everybody Everybody wantsto be a cat (2x), Frou Frou:Everybody (2x) Everybody wants to be a cat[ Giggling ], Uncle Waldo: EverybodyWhoopee! Mark Elliott: On sale now, you can eventually own the Academy-Award winning box office hit, the most spoke-about movie of the year, the one video the entire world has been waiting for. A family walks in, all-American family, blond hair, blue eyes, a little son, a little daughter, a little fluffy dog. A family walks in to a talent agency. Well, that's easy for, uh,for what's-his-name to say. Duchess: Yes. After it! He's got nine lives. We know if you would let us perform it for you you would want to sign us." (The gargoyles burst their heads out from three sides of a window). Napoleon: Ow, that's me! You should pronounce my name correctly. Everything is going to be all right. I'm the leader! It's just, "Here we go folks.". I got a million of 'em. [Hugo keeps spitting as Victor now comes to life]. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Georges Hautecourt: Yes, yes! While Madame and Georges are asleep. This kitten cat knows where it's at! Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. So if you would be just so kind. Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? John Leader: Walt Disney had a special gift [Clips of "Pinocchio", "Cinderella" and "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" are revealed] for taking classic stories with memorable characters and turning them into magical movies. Now, run along downstairs. Lafayette: I'm scratchin'as fast as I can. O'Malley: Right underthat magic carpet. Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" 1 Mar. Roquefort:You're darn tootin'I'm on the level! [offscreen]You believe me,don't you? Kittens! Oh, no. Oh, they'll need help. Steady, girl. Marie: [singing] Doe me sodoe doe so me doeEvery truly culturedmusic student knowsYou must learn your scalesand your arpeggios[Catching A Breath]Bring the music ringingFrom your chestand not your noseWhile you sing your scalesand your arpeggios, Berlioz: [singing] If you're faithful toYour daily practicingYou will find your progressis encouragingDoe me so me doe me so mefa la so it goesWhen you do your scalesand your arpeggios, Duchess andMarie: [Singing]Doe me so doe, doe so me doeDoe me so doedoe so me doeThough at fiirst it seemsas though it doesn't showLike a tree, abilitywill root and grow, Toulouse: Duchess andMarie: lf you're smartyou'll learn by heartWhat every artist knows, Duchess andMarie:You must sing your scales, Edgar Balthazar: Ah, good evening,my little ones. I'll see ya down stream. Penn Jillette: What do you call an act like that? In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Don't be frightened. O'Malley: What I had in mind wasa kind of a sports model, baby. Now, this isno time for fun and games. I-- I couldnever leave her. Roquefort: Must keep still. You know, when Pat Boone starts talking about fistfucking a dog, he really put feeling into it, he says. You don't know whether to sh*t or puke in this room. He says, "Wow, that sounds good, what do you call this act?" This joke was met with boos and jeers of "too soon." Where did these people find employment! It says here. Duchess:[offscreen]Oh, never mind, Marie. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. The kid starts spinning around in a circle cause he can't control it. John Leader: Now, that movie can be part of your family's collection of grand Disney animated classics. 17 Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Thank you. Go get him! Clopin: Up there, high, high in the dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell ringer. [onscreen]Heave-ho! Anything could happento them on a night like this weather! Toulouse: Hey, guys. Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. First,to make the magic begin,you wiggleyour noseand tickleyour chin. "I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important," the comedian said. [ Laughing ]. It probes the darkest, sickest places of the comedian. Although the talent agent initially brushes them off as too 'cutesy', he is eventually persuaded to allow them to show him their act. Abigail,Amelia & Uncle Waldo: [ Laughing ]. Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Oh! Look at this! You've got it! [Dives off the bedpost and bounces off the ball with his helmet]. In the South Park version, Cartman tells the other boys the joke his grandfather told him while at the school bus stop. But he had a bed in it, like a couch that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know Joe Franklin raped me. Kittens? Scat Cat: Likewise, Duchess. Duchess: Edgar did thisto us? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:[Madame]Of course we will. Berlioz: Thank you, Miss Frou-Frou,for letting me ride on your back. Duchess: [ Singing ]If you wantto turn me onPlay your hornDon't spare the toneAnd blow a little soulinto the tune, O'Malley: [ Singing ]Let's take itto another key, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Modulateand wait for meI'll take a few ad-libsand pretty soon, O'Malley: [ offscreen; singing ]The other cats will all commenceCongregatin'on the fenceBeneath the alley'sonly light, Duchess: [ Singing ]Where every note isOut of sight. Oh, and, Edgar, I'm expectingmy attorney, Georges Hautecourt. Now, now, my darlings. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Just in time now! Marie: Thank you, Mr. O'Malley,for saving my life. Oh, that must be him! Amelia: Oh! WebThe Aristocrats "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up I'll get flat feet. [offscreen]Ah. [chuckling] Just like you say, Thomas. Now [Silent clips of "Aladdin 3" are shown, starting with Aladdin riding Magic Carpet, and Genie flying next to him as they enter Agrabah] Walt Disney Pictures invites you to a celebration. [7] It was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette. Yes. Web295K views, 1.9K likes, 423 loves, 1.2K comments, 1.4K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Brandon Rogers: THE ARISTOCRATS JOKE Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now don't move. We're just a pairof sentimental old fools. Answer me please. Young cat. Mark Elliott: With the click of the mouse, you bring the story to life! Georges Hautecourt: Ah, still the softest handsin all of Paris, eh? Don't worry. Mangy tramps! I don't mind if I refuse to wish you to sue anyone. That'spretty corny, though, huh? O'Malley: Hey there, bud! You see, my mistress, shewill beso worried about us. Ready, everyone? Mark Elliott: "Toy Story". Hold on, Kyle. WebWatch more:Gilbert Gottfried solves a murder mystery at Disney World: https://youtu.be/URuNJvtlGT0Gilbert Gottfrieds Dead Pet Turtle: Whoo-whoo! Very poetic. Good evening, Duchess. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: I've asked you to come hereona very importantlegal matter. Berlioz: Look, guys! Clopin: [sings] Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for. So the talent agent says, "All right, you've got two minutes." The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. Edgar Balthazar: Ah, good day, sir. Magic carpetit's gonna be. I only wish that l--. [ Sighing ], Lafayette: Well, shootfire, man. I think it's wrong I've done a lot of PSA's do NOT f*** your family. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh! Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. I wanna go home! Georges Hautecourt: [voice] To your cats? Why, you won't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old Uncle Waldo! Napoleon: I'm the leader. Now on video for a very limited time! Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. The And I always throw in that. "The Aristocrats Quotes." They're eating dinner, and they just finish, and their maid comes in and she clears the plates. Please,let me explain. Voice-over: Buzz Lightyear to the rescue! Edgar Balthazar: Could we take the elevatorthis time, sir? The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and starts sucking his cock, right? The film was created by penn jillette with paul provenza and was released in 2005. And each cat has nine lives. Will. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. O'Malley! Hold on. [Laughing]Aren't you proud of me? Abigail: Mr. O'Malley, I think youshould be the rear end. [offscreen]Toulouse? Mother's going towork for Mr. O'Malley. [ Spitting ]. Toulouse: Good idea, mama. Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. Quick, kittens! Which pets are proneto hardly any flaws? I don't understand why he would say that. Duchess: Oh, no more, please. One squeakywheelon the front, it sounds like. Victor: Well, that's what you get for sleeping with your mouth open. It doesn't matter what it's called! Anyway, it's much longerthan I'd ever live. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. Champagne,dancing the night away. The Aristocrats Sketch And poor Madamedidn't sleep a wink either. And we blow Hitler, then next episode, we bite his dick off, ha ho! Lafayette: [offscreen;chuckling]This time, I get the tender part. Scat Cat: [ Trumpet Blaring ][ Laughing ]Well, looky here. Scat Cat:Come on, cats! Mark Elliott: And take part in the wedding of the century. Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! [ Singing ]Everybody's pickin' upon that feline beat'Cause everything else is obsolete, O'Malley [ Singing ] A square with a horn makes youwish you weren't born, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Every time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] But with a squarein the actYou can setmusic back, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]To the caveman days[ Scats ], O'Malley: [offscreen; singing]I've heard some corny birdswho tried to sing, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Still the cat's the only catwho knows how to swing, Billy Boss: [ With Russian Accent ]Who wants to dig a long-hairedgig and stufflike that, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]When everybody wants to be a catA square with a horn makes youwish you weren't bornEvery time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky tinky dinky, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]With a square in the actyou can set music backTo the caveman days, Marie: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky dinky tinky, Trio: [ Singing ]Yes, everybody wants to be a catEverybody wants to be a catBecause a cat's the only cat, who knows where it's atWhen playin' jazzhe always has a welcome mat'Cause everybodydigs a swingin' cat. Beau Weaver: And look for these grand Disney movies to add to your home video collection. Come along for rapping and roaring with some furry bears. O'Malley runs and Edgar chases him. Right? So dysfunctional, it defies description. Duchess: Marie! But now we have tocook up a little spell. WebThe Aristocats! Amelia: And by the way, when we get to Paris,you must meet Uncle Waldo. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Duchess:Oh, Thomas, Thomas,that would be wonderful. [ Mumbling ]. It wasn't a dream, was it? O'Malley: No, no. [Then we see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning to the Feast of Fools]. You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. I'm the leader. She plays Chopin's third movement, in B minor. Now, Marie's the caboose. Ooh! Did you haveany luck at all? He's beenmarinated in it. Ooh! They start going down on each other all different kinds of combinations, there's 69, there's 29, cause the kids are young, there's 9. Abigail: And look at his crooked smile. Don't mindif I do. Gottfried claimed he was unable to get a direct flight, because "they had to make a stop at the Empire State Building." Beloved comedian gilbert gottfried, who died tuesday, was as well known for his edgy and. Oh, perish the thought. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh, it's no use, Edgar. Now, please, darling, settle down,and play meyour pretty little song. Kittens! We shall fly to Parison a magic carpet,side by side. Now you closeyour eyesand crossyour heart. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! Marie: Ladies do not start fights, Buster, but they can finish them. because in a joke that's what happens. Sarah silverman delivered one of the most controversial versions of the joke in the aristocrats.after an emotionally. Duchess:Oh, thank you so muchfor offering us your home. "Saranora," and allthose goodbye things, baby. Neighborhood! Very good. (outloud)Of course you can. Then, at the endof their life span,my entire estatewill revert to Edgar.